The Mid-life Crisis Checklist: What now? What's next?

Charlie Vensel lists seven warning signs that I may be having a male midlife crisis:

1. Persistent Dissatisfaction. Just not happy. Check.

2. Inauthenticity. What happened to the person I used to be? A feeling of having drifted and not being true to my genuine self. Check.

3. Insignificance. I dream of more. Am I just sitting in the chair? Do I feel like I am not making a difference? Check.

4. Shallow Commitments. Depressed at status quo. Trying to recommit to important things and stay the course. Trying to not commit to new things. Rehearsing duty and obligation. But discouraged. Check.

5. Relational Tension. Everyone around me doesn't understand what I am going through and how I am feeling. They are so familiar with me so they can ignore me. This life change of mine affects everyone around me. Check.

6. Leaking. Bored to tears. Trying to contain frustration or angst. Reaching out. Trying to share the journey. Venting to significant others around me. Often isn't constructive. Check.

7. Recapturing Youth. Revert to what worked when I was younger. Hard work. Persistence. Focus. Values. Check.

So there are "good" ways to react? And "bad" ways to react? Three paths to consider. Three choices recommended.

A. Recapture What Worked. Return to the ways of thy youth. May not be the complete solution. Beware of immature or off-limit choices though.

B. Focus on Known Competencies. Dig in. Tough it out. Suck it up. Beware of stubbornness and rigidity as symptoms. Watch for bitterness and anger as a side effect. Beware of vices as an accommodating binge. Avoid the blame game towards others.

C. Grow and Change. Awaken. Mature. Move forward. Answer the call. Maintain self-control and self-discipline. It's about Doing. Duty and obligation. It's about Being and Becoming. Motivated about living and passion. What is it that stirs me but has not been expressed before? Of all the perceived options, select and move towards the best, most authentic things. Manage fear of change and fear of very different and fear of unknown. Beware of radical change. But don't get stuck in the transition and renewal.

Or maybe a little of A, B, and C to round out the portfolio. So Charlie advises:

• Take care of yourself. Exercise, eat well, rest, and do some things just for fun. Can do better. Check.
• Journal about what you are thinking, feeling, and sensing. Check.
• Find someone with whom to mentor and be coached who has successfully been down the path before. Kind of Checked.
• Find someone to hold you accountable to maintain balance. Kind of Checked. 
• Finish well. The jury is still out. To be determined.

Grief: The Process

Grief is about loss. In the context of this study, I am thinking of the loss of my Aunt Elaine and my Uncle Jim from North Carolina nine years ago. Also, I lost my mom due to cancer this past summer in June. Also, I am working my way through a transition on the employment front so there is a sense of loss there about the past work environment and issues surrounding it, the loss of friends and acquaintances at work, the loss of livelihood, and the temporary loss of a sense of duty, activity and achievement. Some folks close to me have indicated more than once as they go through their grieving, that it is an individual thing and different for each one of us.

There are a number of diagrams online outlining the grief process or the stages we go through to resolve our grief. At a simple, high level, they seem to be (a) Denial, (b) Anger, (c) Bargaining, (d) Depression, and (e) Acceptance. In this simple model, it appears that one has to go through a lot of negative stuff to get to the acceptance part. Perhaps if there is not a lot of bad stuff in life related to the loss, there might be less denial, less anger, and less bargaining and negotiation to go through. In my case, I guess that means I can head straight to the blues!

 Internet Fair Use - Five Stages of Grief

The next model shows some emphasis on the unrealistic changes associated with the loss like shock, disbelief, rehearsing mental scenarios, and fears and doubts associated with the loss. This is not to deny our feelings as not real. But for myself, I know that how I think and feel about things is different than how things actually are. This model also exemplifies well some of the practical issues that arise during the "survival" phase of the grief process. As doubt creeps in, symptoms such as guilt, rejection, wasted time, shame, emotional swings, a crisis of values, inferred and actual blame, isolation, loss of trust, physical and mental fatigue, unfinished tasks, and a change in daily routines become part of Living in the Moment. This model doesn't focus much on the Reorganization phase to get us back into the acceptance of the loss but it hints at things like focusing on the positive, finding meaning, rebuilding the Self, creating new routines, and finding purpose in what we do. OK, so I am in the Survival phase, acknowledging my path forward, and already have a sense of what it will take to reconstitute. Maybe.

Internet Fair Use - Surviving Through Grief

This model makes some sense to me in that during the survival phase, one's mind plays tricks on itself, rehearsing old conversations, things that didn't get done, things that were done poorly, things that could have been done differently, dialogs and differences between the parties, unresolved commitments, etc. There is a lot of repetition and rehearsal in quiet self-talk that occurs. Early on in the grief process I can see that the self-talk is healthy because it identifies the content and feelings of concern. Moving forward though, the repetition and rehearsal of the past can become a bad thing because it doesn't focus on the positive outlook for the future.

The next model speaks to me about two things: (1) breaking attachments related to bonds of the ideal image of the lost one and (2) the "disorganization" aspect of grief whereby we have a sense of sadness, hopelessness, and meaninglessness. For me, this appears to be the clash of values as it relates to a sense of the Self. This entire blog is about the Artistic Endeavor, and the Creative Pursuit. It is about the personal vulnerability surrounding the process of uncovering and revealing Self. It is about Being and Becoming.

Internet Fair Use -  Grief Graph

Particularly as we change from the "disorganized" phase to the "organized" phase of grief, we are resolving our world-view and perspective and releasing from the "bonds of the ideal image" of things lost and attaching to the practical working out of reality as it is in the Daily Walk in a new reality. This change process is allowing the former self to be cast off and the new person to be reborn, so to speak. Seems to be even more of the message about how we are dying every day while we are alive. Change and renewal. This is Living the Moment. This is living deliberately. But there might be some pain and discomfort and depression associated with the mourning of the old self we shed and leave behind. And there may be some self-doubt and anxiety about the new person we are becoming. I suppose it is a type of fear. This is humanity.

This next model points towards some essential elements of the renewal process as we move away from grief.  In past times, I have asked the question "What changes first...Attitude or Behavior?"  I think the answer is they can both change at the same time. As individuals we have to manage our mental thoughts and attitudes and practice those behaviors that help us get to where we want to go. It becomes a self-discipline to do so.

Internet Fair Use - The Renewal Phases of Grief

I like this model for its emphasis on old and new attitudes. Change Denial to Acknowledgement. Change Bargaining and Doubt to Acceptance. Of the way things are in the period of loss or the way things can become in the future. Add the positive feelings of Forgiveness and Gratitude. Not just related to others but to ourselves as well. Cull negative thoughts that hold us back or drag us down. Affirm the new state, the new path, the new destination as it is uncovered. Affirm the new Self.

But it's a roller coaster ride as we transition through our grief and become a new person with a new reality. The events around us, as they unfold, affect our feelings and emotions. We have our up days and our down days.

Internet Fair Use - Phases of Grief Transition

The emphasis on this grief model is Exploring, Testing, and Transformation to build a reconstruction and recovery. I also like the anecdotes in this model where partial recovery is about letting go and releasing some issues and baggage along the way. It's about willfully forgetting some things and moving on. Also, Don't Ever Quit. There is a path to our Becoming. Only we are on it. Only we know it or can know it.  Never Give Up. Even though some days it may not be easy.

There may be factors about our grief that are different for you and I, as listed in the table below. These factors affect the depth of our grief and the nature of our recovery and reconstruction based on, to use my words, the level of Connectedness we have had with the object of our grief and loss. It is also about the level of our Connectedness to ourselves and the level of Connectedness to those around us that remain after the loss.

Internet Fair Use - Connectedness Factors Affecting the Depth of Grief

So part of the grief process is about remaining true to ourselves. And to who we are. And to who we are to become. I have used the terminology before but we should attempt to use our knowledge and experience of the loss as a potential Source and avoid allowing it to become a potential Drain. Our grief experience can become a Drain on our personal energy reserve. Or it can become a Source of our energy reserve to focus our Life Force in a new direction.

On the roller coaster of grief, there are negative and positive activities to which we can focus.

Internet Fair Use - The Roller Coaster of Grief

There are negative Drains that can bring us down and lengthen our recovery and reconstruction. We need to Decide in the moment to stop those negative emotions and thoughts. And then focus our Life Force on the positive Sources that get us back up the Wellness and Wholeness curve:

• Deciding on the right things
• Searching for the new
• Focused exploration
• Informed choices
• Focused study
• Problem solving
• Refining our purpose
• Finding new structures and paradigms
• Building hopes and dreams
• Increasing our internal commitment
• Testing
• Reattaching
• Getting excited and enjoying our satisfactions, our joys, and making our peace once again

I am not an expert in this stuff. I think the biggest limitation I see in these models is that the negative part of the grief process is about feelings. And it is being suggested that we replace those negatives with attitudes and behaviors and action plans. It just may not be that easily said and done.  Just thinking on things for my path forward.

The Last Day: My Final Thoughts

Been at my current employ for two years. Put a courtesy call into the guy that hired me since he is at another location. He is the reason I came to work for this employer. On Thursday, I had indicated to management that I was not resigning at this time, did not have a new job lined up, when I found one I would give them at least a two week notice but I was giving them a heads-up that I had made the decision for myself that the company and I were no longer a good fit and I would start looking elsewhere. I was giving them time to perhaps place me aside on a lesser project and coordinate an orderly transition in a timely manner to their benefit. On Friday, after some discussion, we negotiated the end of my employ as of yesterday. I had a unique flash start. I had a unique flash stop.

It is, to say the least, bittersweet. Good people. A novel enterprise. A noble purpose. Some innovations on how to build a business. But it is probably past the time to move on for many reasons. From the perspective of both sides, I think.  I pray the Exit meeting on Monday executes smoothly.

I know this employ was God-given. For many reasons along the way. Right from the start, I was provided for in a unique way. To some degree, it was really just a contract consultative position. Worked in a multidisciplinary manner on many things. Saw and experienced some amazing things. Gained some additional insights. Met some amazing folks. Stellar, in fact. Early on with the advice of, let's call him, my Action-Oriented Mentor, I was able to identify my next best role and responsibility in my career. My best fit. My dream job. The role I have been preparing for most of my life. It didn't have a name until he spoke it. I was able to see the future when it was spoken and discussed. But the door wasn't open at the time. It never opened over the last two years. I had ample opportunity to practice my necessary skill set throughout this employ with that objective in mind.  I was able to add some tools to my toolkit. But in an environment that was almost always blocked and impeded.  It was wonderful.

But I have the sense that something else is being prepared for me. Perhaps to practice these things again but in an environment that is not as frequently impeded. With an Executive Sponsor who has the known Demand for what I am willing and capable and motivated to Supply. Simple economics. It's just business.  I anticipate. I will seek. Perhaps with Providence, I will find. Lord, enlighten and enable the Chiascaro Path.

This also is part of my Artistic Endeavor and Creative Pursuit. These observations influence my art and my expression. Is this Symbolism? Is this Outsider Art? Today's entry is left brain-right brain-whole brain stuff. Lots of neural activity in the corpus callosum today. I am a Journeyman in a strange land.

I have been a program or project manager for many years. Those endeavors have been either strategic or tactical. I have worked at all levels of the organization at different times or at the same time to accomplish the goals or objectives of my executive sponsors. Many different businesses. Many different styles. Many different disciplines of focus. Generally, I have been successful in those project completions. Not perfect, though. Not always. Enough to feel good about. I made a difference along the way.

When I came to this company, there were many project managers doing many different things. I wanted to characterize and evaluate what I was seeing. As a program-project engineering manager early in my career and with my background as a classically trained industrial engineering-psychologist and human factors engineer analyzing the interactions of people with the objects in their environment to perform a mission, I had leveraged an organizational process model for what I will call in today's context: Project Manager C3E2.

Competency: Knowledge, Ability, Skill, Experience (KASE) of the individual contributor
Capability: The combined Competencies of the team to deliver on an objective function, team purpose, or enterprise Core Competency such as a Project or Program Management Office (PMO)
Capacity: The total throughput or flow of the Capability
Effectiveness: The degree of focus and aim of the Capability and Capacity on the target objective or mission
Efficiency: The productivity of the Effectiveness over time and the amount of Waste incurred

But what are the essential elements or Core Competencies to be measured in Project Management? There are many views and perspectives on this on the www and in the professional societies.  Some in vehement diatribes about best practices. Based on my many years of prior practice, and then at this company based on the immediate need, I quickly formulated the following mental model for the Value Flow of the project management process to evaluate what was going on around me. The plus signs denote a spigot, so to say, for Value Flow that when turned on, is a Maximize/Optimize function.  For instance, for the parameters below, let's add more Connectedness. The minus sign denotes a Value Flow spigot for a Minimize/Optimize function. For instance, when turned on, let's decrease blockers, impediments, and risks. The equal sign denotes a Target Objective function with the intent to maximize or optimize Managed Results: based on the relative contributions of the inputs.

+Connectedness
+Commitments
+Communications
+Coordination
+Collaboration
-Blockers, Impediments, Risks
+Capture Opportunities
+Closure
= +Managed Results

What does this model connote? This is a flow model. We turn the spigots, as Sources and Drains, to increase or decrease certain inputs to the model to achieve the maximum or optimized Value Flow out of the pipeline. In order to achieve maximized or optimized Managed Results, project management should adjust the faucets, the Sources and Drains, as follows:

(1) Maximize/optimize Connectedness of the Stakeholders in the organizational framework
(2) Identify, negotiate, strengthen, and holdfast to Commitments among the Stakeholders
(3) Enhance Communications among the Stakeholders in the network
(4) Increase Coordination among the Stakeholders (getting things into alignment with others)
(5) Increase Collaboration among the Stakeholders (working together)
(6) Decrease and remove Blockers, Impediments and mitigate Risks
(7) Increase the Capture of Opportunities
(8) Increase Closure. Finish. Get to Done done. Get feedback in a Retrospective. Use Lessons Learned.

My two year tenure at this company allowed me to verify and validate the use of this simple model. I was also fortunate to find some academic literature and research to back up the component elements.

A failure to do these things, meant substandard project management performance and a reduced outcome for Managed Results. A reduction in Connectedness, Commitments, Communications, Coordination, Collaboration, Capture, and Closure, as well as an increase in Blockers, Impediments, and Risks, pretty much always resulted in a lesser outcome and degraded business performance. If I couldn't "move the dial" on the inputs by adjusting the Sources and Drains, then I couldn't impact the outcome either.  I could read individuals, teams, projects, group dynamics, and the enterprise quite effectively. I knew which buttons to push. It facilitated root cause analysis. I knew what was on my console and what was on someone else's control box. Pretty much always. The review of individuals, teams, projects, and the business fit the model. I could evaluate the down-streams impacts and effects. I found it quite useful. It is how I evaluated my endgame.

So I shared a lot along the way. Coached and mentored. Personally applied the model again and again. Demonstrated personally to myself that it works. I felt like a Journeyman in a strange land. This was like the great California Gold Rush. Hordes of inexperienced travelers of various experienced professions redirecting their efforts and endeavoring to find their fortunes. A measure of mania. Of occasional panic. Of enthusiasm. Of optimism. Of confidence. Of doubt. Exhilaration. Dismay. Optimism. Pessimism. The wild-eyed roller-coaster of manic depression. All of that wonderful diversity of the human drama.

Crossing the great western uncivilized frontier by land, by sea, by rail. The wide, open expanse by foot, by horse, by wagon, by ship, by any means possible. Across parched deserts, road-less mountains, precipitous valleys, and rushing un-fordable streams and rivers. Miles and miles of fortitude and persistence required. Spending what little we have to start the journey, outfitting the teams, and plotting the journey and the way-points to achieve the final destination. The Great Frontier. The Promised Land. Freedom. Financial security. A better future. The Goldfields. To get there first. And stake the claim.

But there are costs and prices and unseen adventures to this endeavor. By Serendipity, I enjoyed the reading of Precious Dust: The True Saga of the Western Gold Rushes by Paula Mitchell Marks (1994) which influences my current imagination. Dust. Dirt. Filth. Grime. Daily living. Leaving family behind. Wearing out equipment, clothes, and shoe leather. Long periods of isolation. Trudging forward. Waiting. Occasional and sometimes frequent emergencies. Where is the fresh water hole for sustenance and refreshing? Poisoned or parched wells. Cholera. Death, disability, and disease. Sickness and health. Carcasses of people and beasts of burden lost along the way. Lack of supplies. Lack of clear access. Lack of available resources. Dialogs and disagreements among the captains of the wagon trains. Indians. Robbers and thieves. Hawkers peddling their goods. Those who serve. Those who expect to be served. Exploiters. The exploited. Beggars. Preachers. Religionists. Atheists. Agnostics. Believers. Unbelievers. Gamblers. Gamers. Opportunists. Humorists. Roughnecks and cowboys. Renegades. Megalomaniacs. Followers. Neophytes. Self-professed experts. Visionaries. Optimists. Pessimists. Artists. Families. Folks of all vintage, country, cast, and hue. Some who turn back. Some who just quietly disappear. Those who go on. Errant signs of direction from those who went before us that can lead us down the wrong path. Ships that sink. Canoes that tip over. Vehicles lost in the torrents. Portage. Ferries and tolls to pay. Discarding the supplies and preparations along the way. Curiously meeting and negotiating with the different, quiet, devout, committed Mormons as they build their righteous, eschatalogical city and offer respite to the travelers in the name of service. Gold-seekers strewing the well-traveled trail of tears with detritus along the path because they no longer have the strength or will to carry the stuff with them any further. This is the Age of Progress in the new land. The new gold. The Boom or the Bust. Technology. The Original Idea. To get there first. And stake the claim.

Lots at stake.  You buying?