There are a number of diagrams online outlining the grief process or the stages we go through to resolve our grief. At a simple, high level, they seem to be (a) Denial, (b) Anger, (c) Bargaining, (d) Depression, and (e) Acceptance. In this simple model, it appears that one has to go through a lot of negative stuff to get to the acceptance part. Perhaps if there is not a lot of bad stuff in life related to the loss, there might be less denial, less anger, and less bargaining and negotiation to go through. In my case, I guess that means I can head straight to the blues!
Internet Fair Use - Five Stages of Grief
The next model shows some emphasis on the unrealistic changes associated with the loss like shock, disbelief, rehearsing mental scenarios, and fears and doubts associated with the loss. This is not to deny our feelings as not real. But for myself, I know that how I think and feel about things is different than how things actually are. This model also exemplifies well some of the practical issues that arise during the "survival" phase of the grief process. As doubt creeps in, symptoms such as guilt, rejection, wasted time, shame, emotional swings, a crisis of values, inferred and actual blame, isolation, loss of trust, physical and mental fatigue, unfinished tasks, and a change in daily routines become part of Living in the Moment. This model doesn't focus much on the Reorganization phase to get us back into the acceptance of the loss but it hints at things like focusing on the positive, finding meaning, rebuilding the Self, creating new routines, and finding purpose in what we do. OK, so I am in the Survival phase, acknowledging my path forward, and already have a sense of what it will take to reconstitute. Maybe.
Internet Fair Use - Surviving Through Grief
This model makes some sense to me in that during the survival phase, one's mind plays tricks on itself, rehearsing old conversations, things that didn't get done, things that were done poorly, things that could have been done differently, dialogs and differences between the parties, unresolved commitments, etc. There is a lot of repetition and rehearsal in quiet self-talk that occurs. Early on in the grief process I can see that the self-talk is healthy because it identifies the content and feelings of concern. Moving forward though, the repetition and rehearsal of the past can become a bad thing because it doesn't focus on the positive outlook for the future.
The next model speaks to me about two things: (1) breaking attachments related to bonds of the ideal image of the lost one and (2) the "disorganization" aspect of grief whereby we have a sense of sadness, hopelessness, and meaninglessness. For me, this appears to be the clash of values as it relates to a sense of the Self. This entire blog is about the Artistic Endeavor, and the Creative Pursuit. It is about the personal vulnerability surrounding the process of uncovering and revealing Self. It is about Being and Becoming.
Internet Fair Use - Grief Graph
Particularly as we change from the "disorganized" phase to the "organized" phase of grief, we are resolving our world-view and perspective and releasing from the "bonds of the ideal image" of things lost and attaching to the practical working out of reality as it is in the Daily Walk in a new reality. This change process is allowing the former self to be cast off and the new person to be reborn, so to speak. Seems to be even more of the message about how we are dying every day while we are alive. Change and renewal. This is Living the Moment. This is living deliberately. But there might be some pain and discomfort and depression associated with the mourning of the old self we shed and leave behind. And there may be some self-doubt and anxiety about the new person we are becoming. I suppose it is a type of fear. This is humanity.
This next model points towards some essential elements of the renewal process as we move away from grief. In past times, I have asked the question "What changes first...Attitude or Behavior?" I think the answer is they can both change at the same time. As individuals we have to manage our mental thoughts and attitudes and practice those behaviors that help us get to where we want to go. It becomes a self-discipline to do so.
Internet Fair Use - The Renewal Phases of Grief
I like this model for its emphasis on old and new attitudes. Change Denial to Acknowledgement. Change Bargaining and Doubt to Acceptance. Of the way things are in the period of loss or the way things can become in the future. Add the positive feelings of Forgiveness and Gratitude. Not just related to others but to ourselves as well. Cull negative thoughts that hold us back or drag us down. Affirm the new state, the new path, the new destination as it is uncovered. Affirm the new Self.
But it's a roller coaster ride as we transition through our grief and become a new person with a new reality. The events around us, as they unfold, affect our feelings and emotions. We have our up days and our down days.
Internet Fair Use - Phases of Grief Transition
The emphasis on this grief model is Exploring, Testing, and Transformation to build a reconstruction and recovery. I also like the anecdotes in this model where partial recovery is about letting go and releasing some issues and baggage along the way. It's about willfully forgetting some things and moving on. Also, Don't Ever Quit. There is a path to our Becoming. Only we are on it. Only we know it or can know it. Never Give Up. Even though some days it may not be easy.
There may be factors about our grief that are different for you and I, as listed in the table below. These factors affect the depth of our grief and the nature of our recovery and reconstruction based on, to use my words, the level of Connectedness we have had with the object of our grief and loss. It is also about the level of our Connectedness to ourselves and the level of Connectedness to those around us that remain after the loss.
Internet Fair Use - Connectedness Factors Affecting the Depth of Grief
So part of the grief process is about remaining true to ourselves. And to who we are. And to who we are to become. I have used the terminology before but we should attempt to use our knowledge and experience of the loss as a potential Source and avoid allowing it to become a potential Drain. Our grief experience can become a Drain on our personal energy reserve. Or it can become a Source of our energy reserve to focus our Life Force in a new direction.
On the roller coaster of grief, there are negative and positive activities to which we can focus.
Internet Fair Use - The Roller Coaster of Grief
There are negative Drains that can bring us down and lengthen our recovery and reconstruction. We need to Decide in the moment to stop those negative emotions and thoughts. And then focus our Life Force on the positive Sources that get us back up the Wellness and Wholeness curve:
- Deciding on the right things
- Searching for the new
- Focused exploration
- Informed choices
- Focused study
- Problem solving
- Refining our purpose
- Finding new structures and paradigms
- Building hopes and dreams
- Increasing our internal commitment
- Testing
- Reattaching
- Getting excited and enjoying our satisfactions, our joys, and making our peace once again
I am not an expert in this stuff. I think the biggest limitation I see in these models is that the negative part of the grief process is about feelings. And it is being suggested that we replace those negatives with attitudes and behaviors and action plans. It just may not be that easily said and done. Just thinking on things for my path forward.
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