The Brothers: An Artful Dialog

One of the last artful dialogs I had with my best friend, Bob Cassidy, before he passed away last year was about an engraving.  I think he had purchased a copy somewhere and wanted to know more about it. It must have been appealing to him.  He called me and inquired about the print. Verbally, he mentioned that Vogel was on the left side, and Wallis was on the right side of the print and that it was entitled "The Brothers". I indicated that one was the artist and one was the engraver.

Internet Fair Use - The Brothers by Vogel

He wanted to know what it was worth. After a little online investigation. I was able to determine that the current asking price was $20 - $60 in good condition and provide him more detail information about the print.

"The Brothers" by Christian Leberecht Vogel was engraved by R. [Robert] Wallis. The method of print was a genuine engraving on steel, printed on high quality heavy stock paper; published by Selmar Hess, NY 1888, signed in plate. The image dimensions were 8.7/8" wide x . 6.3/4" high in landscape orientation. The paper size is 12.1/2"wide x 9.1/8" high. It shows a chiascuro background and foreground, two adolescent brothers reviewing a book, one with stylus in hand, one looking off into the distant view, bathed in light.

Christian Leberecht Vogel [4 April 1759, Dresden - 6 April 1816, Dresden] was a German painter, draughtsman, and writer on art theory. His pupils included Louise Seidler, and he was the father of the court painter and art professor Carl Christian Vogel.

Robert Wallis [Nov. 7, 1794 - Nov. 23, 1878], was an English engraver and assistant of Charles Heath [1785–1848]. He was taught by his father, and became one of the ablest of the group of supremely skillful landscape-engravers who flourished during the second quarter of the nineteenth century.

Bob was in constant pain during his last days but his art kept him going each day. I surmise that he appreciated the detail in the engraving as an influence to his scratch-board art which he had been executing for a few years. I suggested to him that since he had a copy and I had a rendition, that we each should re-appropriate and re-interpret the original in our own art methods and share our results with each other. He agreed.  But it was not to be. Shortly before he died, I received the engraving in the mail. I was surprised upon its receipt. It was a quiet, personal act from him to me.

Although he didn't say as much, I like to think that the engraving depicts us, two brothers in dialog about art and life and comparing notes across the country on a weekly, sometimes daily basis.

I was emotionally touched by these last interchanges.

Internet Fair Use - The Brothers (Detail)

Our very last phone discussion was about creating miniature artwork each together.

Internet Fair Use - The Brothers (Detail)

I treasure these last discussions as Living the Moment. I appreciate Bob's example of the Daily Walk, in the Creative Pursuit and the Artistic Endeavor.  I think Art was the Life Force for Bob.

All Paintings Have a Story: This One Returns to Me Most Surprisingly!

Once upon a time...(all good stories start that way), I went to a flea market...(this has got to be a great story)....

My daughter, Rachel and I, went to Brimfield Flea Market in Massachusetts this year in May 2016. We arrived way too early. Even before the vendors woke up and unfurled their tents.

Original Photo - Copyright James E. Martin 2016
Rachel at Brimfield Early Morning

Rachel had some furniture items on her wishlist list to outfit a new apartment. I didn't buy too much this particular trip. Rachel tracked our walking that day and we trekked 18 miles! We passed and gazed at a lot of dealer tables and booths.  With serendipity, I did happen upon a painting that caught my eye halfway down a booth's aisle under a tent that I negotiated down to $25. I wasn't impressed with the frame. The dealer did not know much about the painting other than he had bought it at a yard sale.

Original Photo - Copyright James E. Martin 2016
Raggedy Ann and Teddy

I am always on the lookout for paintings and this one caught my eye because of the impressionistic style but most notably because of the signature flourish. It was very similar to the flourish that my best friend, Bob Cassidy, would use to address his Christmas card to me over the years.

Original Photo - Copyright James E. Martin 2016
Michael J. Cassidy Signature Flourish

I also knew that Bob, had a brother, Michael Cassidy. I wasn't sure of Michael's middle initial, though. And the subject matter didn't seem to be representative of content that Michael may have chosen. I had, however, a self-portrait of Michael's that Bob had given me years earlier with a similar impressionistic style. I could compare the paintings. So I took a chance on the purchase. I hoped to share the picture with the family and determine Michael's middle initial and if anyone had any recollection of this painting.

We met Betty Cassidy at the summer camp in Maine in mid-July. It was so good to visit with her at camp this first summer after Bob's passing.

Original Photo - Copyright James E. Martin 2016 
Discussing the Painting with Betty Cassidy

Betty only had a small, vague, remote feeling that the painting might be Michael's. She wasn't able to confidently assert much about the picture initially. She wasn't absolutely sure of Michael's middle initial. But she recommended we talk with Joanne, the oldest daughter of Lee and Edie Stone, our Maine friends for many years. Betty went to visit with Joanne and told her about the painting.

Joanne recalled the painting and knew it had hung in the Little Red Schoolhouse in Dover-Foxcroft, Maine for a time before its closing in 2001. Which explains the child-appropriate content of the painting.

The summer camp that Bob and I built for his family was on a lake in upper Central Maine surrounded by the towns of Sangerville, Dover-Foxcroft, Guilford, Dexter, and Garland. Bob was a professor of speech and language pathology and had practiced early in his career in the area before moving to Illinois and marrying Betty.

His very first speech and language client in Maine was Jayne Stone. Bob had become close friends with Jayne's parents, Lee and Edie Stone over the years. Lee was a WWII veteran, local farmer, and retired from the Dexter Shoe Factory. Edie was the town manager for Garland, Maine for many years.

Original Photo circa 1978 Courtesy of Cassidy Family

Lee Stone, Edie Stone, Jayne Stone, Greg Cassidy, Kim Cassidy, and Betty Cassidy

One of the passionate causes that Bob Cassidy and Edie Stone had during those early years was the parent-run, community-based Little Red Schoolhouse in Dover-Foxcroft. which closed in 2001. Bob had asked his brother, Michael, an accomplished amateur artist whose creativity Bob admired, to paint a picture for the schoolhouse in those earlier years. The painting, "Raggedy Ann and Teddy", hung in the schoolhouse for some time when Jayne Stone was younger and attending the school.

Also, Joanne recalled that her Mom, Edie Stone, had retained the painting in her home for a time after that school installation. Perhaps Edie reclaimed the painting from the schoolhouse once Jayne graduated. According to Joann, and Bob's kids, Kim and Greg, they all remembered the painting at Lee and Edie's Garland farmhouse.

In the early years, when I was helping Bob build the camp buildings as an undergraduate student, Jayne had a surprising teenage crush on me. I had hair back then.

Original Photo 1978 Courtesy Cassidy Family

Jim the Builder

She and I were of a similar age but I was dating someone else at school so I wasn't available! But I remember being embarrassed and rather awkward at responding to her attentions! Once she met my then girlfriend, Ruth, (now my wife), she was not very kind to her rival at first! We have many blessed and humorous memories of these folks over the years.

Joann indicated that Bob Cassidy had asked for the Raggedy Ann painting sometime after Edie's retention of it to give back to his brother, the artist. Edie returned the painting to Bob. Bob returned it to his brother. Michael J. Cassidy later died in the midwest, in Ohio I think, in 1994, and, allegedly, according to Betty, many of his belongings were sold at a yard sale, which was a plausible disappointment to Bob at the time. And resulted in the "loss" of the painting for a time.

Betty was cleaning at the camp later in the week of our 2016 summer visit and found a painting turned upside down on the floor of the camp. Lo and behold, a Michael J. Cassidy abstract impressionistic painting! What a confirmation opportunity!

 

Original Photo Copyright James E. Martin 2016

Untitled Abstract Impressionism by Michael J. Cassidy

Replete with a comparable signature!

 

Original Photo Copyright James E. Martin 2016

Michael J. Cassidy Signature Flourish

Later in the week of our visit, we unexpectedly met Joann at the local shopping mecca, Renee's in Dexter, Maine. After joyous hugs and hellos, I ran out to the van to get the painting. When Joann saw it, she said with a smile on her face, "Yup, that's it!"

Original Photo - Copyright James E. Martin 2016 

Betty and Joanne Affirming the Painting's Heritage to Jim

You can see my happiness in the moment at completing the story, the history, and the reunion of this painting!

We had a funeral service in July 2016 for Bob Cassidy, my friend of 38 years, in Derry, New Hampshire, where he grew up. He was interred at the Cassidy family plot.

Original Photo - Copyright James E. Martin 2016 
July Graveside Service for Robert D. Cassidy in Derry NH

I had a chance to visit with his spouse, Betty, and his kids, Greg and Kim the night before the service. The kids were amazed and excited about the story of the painting as we continued to formulate the story of its heritage and re-discovery.

Michael J. Cassidy's (1930 - 1994) gravestone is on the family plot in Derry, NH. He was the artist for the painting "Raggedy Ann and Teddy".

Original Photo - Copyright James E. Martin 2016 
Grave Marker for Michael J. Cassidy II 

So...this painting means a lot to me in that it wraps up many memories and recollections over the last 38 years:

• Bob Cassidy as speech and language pathology professor and clinician in Illinois and Maine
• Bob's intended respect to his brother and his request for the painting's creation
• Bob's love and respect for family and family values...and for art; The installation at the schoolhouse for a time was highly valued by Bob and Edie
• Michael J. Cassidy, brother of my best friend, and artist, who I never met personally, but he had the same flourish in his signature as Bob did; He also used brown and orange in the painting, Bob's favorite colors in artistic usage - which might have facilitated Bob's perception of the painting's details considering his color-blindness...an interesting side anecdote
• Jayne Stone and her unusual, cute, giggly, teenage crush on  me
• Lee and Edie Stone retaining the painting after its installation at the Little Red Schoolhouse in Dover-Foxcroft and placing it in their Garland, Maine farmhouse
• Bob's requesting the return of the painting so he could return it to his brother, the artist
• Sun-struck Fourth of July's at a picnic table laden with lobster, corn-on-the-cob, chowder, and clams, each and every year, full of stories and smiles, with all these folks mentioned in this blog entry
• Central Maine summer jaunts in Dexter, Garland, Guilford, Sangerville, and Dover-Foxcroft
• Bob and I building the camp buildings for fellowship with friends over the years....his initial dream realized
• Visits with friends, and friends of friends, at camp
• A college professor, named Bob, and one of his undergraduate students, named Jim, met in Maine to remodel a summer camp for the professor. There was lots of sun, some swimming in a cold, clear lake, some beer drinking, some fishing, some telling of tales, lots of laughs, some philosophy of life dialog, some destruction of the old camp, and some building of the new, and an unfolding of relationships through the years
• Emotions and tears welling up in me since my friend, Bob, has completed his earthly toils
• Amazement at finding this painting at this time in these places
• Reconstructing the heritage and story of this painting with dear friends and family who remain behind...Joanne and her husband Peter, Betty, Kim, and Greg
• Summers in Maine all these years with all my girls (Ruth, Rachel, Anna, and Rebekah)

Just thinking on things, as the memories and blessings come full circle within this painting.

Original Photo circa 1978 - Courtesy of the Cassidy Family

Betty Surveying the Construction Work While Jim Contemplates Deep Thoughts

It is quite a Jaunt to go to undergraduate school in Illinois, meet Bob Cassidy and his family and friends in Maine, meet my wife, have a family, get together with folks in Maine all these 38 years, go to Brimfield in 2016, find this one painting among the tens of thousands of objects there in the aisles, travel it back to its home country in Maine, reconstitute its heritage, and have it return to my hands where I can appreciate its simplicity and its depth in honor of Bob Cassidy and his love of art.

We built some buildings. And a lot of friendships and a lot of memories, Bob. This one is an amazing part of the continuing saga.

Original Photo circa 1978 - Courtesy of the Cassidy Family

Jim and Bob Building at the Summer Camp

A painting always has a story. This one is pretty darn amazing to me. It wasn't just about Raggedy Ann and Teddy at its face value, was it?

Honest Trepidation: Riotous Perspective

I must be in the middle of a male mid-life crisis. 

Started a new job. Money's good. Commute is short. I am busy. Loaded on with too much too soon, I think. Meeting new people. Learning a new company's ways and means. But there is an element of boredom to it.What is this observation, I say to myself?

I don't feel happy. Or satisfied. Or fulfilled. This is not good. I say to myself.

Granted it's been a riotous week. There have been other things going on in my personal life. Causes long hours. Unrest. Background anxiety. Background tension. Nothing terrible or catastrophic. Just daily living in the modern life. New job. My dad had hip surgery. My wife is working long hours and burning the candle at both ends. 

So I am feeling at odds. I don't feel rested. An emotional roller-coaster. Or at extremes. Not centered. Not quite sure how to really sum it up yet. 

A rejection from a permanent job did roll up in this morning's email. From a series of interview's with VP's over a month ago. Hahahah!  The path not taken. They invite to look at other roles on the company website.  A minor anecdote to the continuing saga.

So I just keep telling myself. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One task at a time. One minute at a time. Do what is important for now. Live in the moment. Delay constraining decisions. Pray.

Drove into the yard from work last night. The sun was soon to set. The corner flower garden was increasing its crescendo. Some riotous tulips. I like the color contrast and tempestuous abandon in these shots from last evening. I wanted a different perspective.

Copyright James E. Martin 2015 Riotous Abandon

Copyright James E. Martin 2015 Upright Posture

Copyright James E. Martin 2015 Emotional Extremes

So I have resolved this morning. Taking just one step at a time. With honest trepidation. Seek to learn and inquire. Obtain the meaning in each transaction that builds towards the future task. Ask on a deeper level...what's next?

Funny? Asking about the meaning of life. Now? Asking....why am I here? In this place and time?

I am a nomad, a sojourner, and a stranger in a distant land. An older nomad, sojourner, and stranger.

Seeking oasis.

The Piano Guys: A Prelude to the New Year

The Christmas holiday is over. I am learning to appreciate piano playing again after a thirty year hiatus. "Where are You Christmas?" brought a few tears amidst a solemn joy in the moment.

For me, 2014 has been a year of sadness.  There is an aspect of grief to the song "O Come, O Come, Emmanuel" with a view towards the coming of the Messiah, his birth, death, burial, resurrection, and future second coming of God With Us. A rendition by the Piano Guys. I value the plaintive, contemplative, and soulful mourning in this piece. It is suitable to the holiday season and serves as a prelude as we approach the New Year.

I appreciate the architectural setting for this piano-cello concert since it is reminiscent of solid foundations, ancient antiquity, history, and beauty.

Arwin's Vigil is a solemn and powerful triumph indicative of a searching and watchful journey.

Hope my reader's enjoy this introduction if you haven't heard them. Thanks Piano Guys.

Grief: The Process

Grief is about loss. In the context of this study, I am thinking of the loss of my Aunt Elaine and my Uncle Jim from North Carolina nine years ago. Also, I lost my mom due to cancer this past summer in June. Also, I am working my way through a transition on the employment front so there is a sense of loss there about the past work environment and issues surrounding it, the loss of friends and acquaintances at work, the loss of livelihood, and the temporary loss of a sense of duty, activity and achievement. Some folks close to me have indicated more than once as they go through their grieving, that it is an individual thing and different for each one of us.

There are a number of diagrams online outlining the grief process or the stages we go through to resolve our grief. At a simple, high level, they seem to be (a) Denial, (b) Anger, (c) Bargaining, (d) Depression, and (e) Acceptance. In this simple model, it appears that one has to go through a lot of negative stuff to get to the acceptance part. Perhaps if there is not a lot of bad stuff in life related to the loss, there might be less denial, less anger, and less bargaining and negotiation to go through. In my case, I guess that means I can head straight to the blues!

 Internet Fair Use - Five Stages of Grief

The next model shows some emphasis on the unrealistic changes associated with the loss like shock, disbelief, rehearsing mental scenarios, and fears and doubts associated with the loss. This is not to deny our feelings as not real. But for myself, I know that how I think and feel about things is different than how things actually are. This model also exemplifies well some of the practical issues that arise during the "survival" phase of the grief process. As doubt creeps in, symptoms such as guilt, rejection, wasted time, shame, emotional swings, a crisis of values, inferred and actual blame, isolation, loss of trust, physical and mental fatigue, unfinished tasks, and a change in daily routines become part of Living in the Moment. This model doesn't focus much on the Reorganization phase to get us back into the acceptance of the loss but it hints at things like focusing on the positive, finding meaning, rebuilding the Self, creating new routines, and finding purpose in what we do. OK, so I am in the Survival phase, acknowledging my path forward, and already have a sense of what it will take to reconstitute. Maybe.

Internet Fair Use - Surviving Through Grief

This model makes some sense to me in that during the survival phase, one's mind plays tricks on itself, rehearsing old conversations, things that didn't get done, things that were done poorly, things that could have been done differently, dialogs and differences between the parties, unresolved commitments, etc. There is a lot of repetition and rehearsal in quiet self-talk that occurs. Early on in the grief process I can see that the self-talk is healthy because it identifies the content and feelings of concern. Moving forward though, the repetition and rehearsal of the past can become a bad thing because it doesn't focus on the positive outlook for the future.

The next model speaks to me about two things: (1) breaking attachments related to bonds of the ideal image of the lost one and (2) the "disorganization" aspect of grief whereby we have a sense of sadness, hopelessness, and meaninglessness. For me, this appears to be the clash of values as it relates to a sense of the Self. This entire blog is about the Artistic Endeavor, and the Creative Pursuit. It is about the personal vulnerability surrounding the process of uncovering and revealing Self. It is about Being and Becoming.

Internet Fair Use -  Grief Graph

Particularly as we change from the "disorganized" phase to the "organized" phase of grief, we are resolving our world-view and perspective and releasing from the "bonds of the ideal image" of things lost and attaching to the practical working out of reality as it is in the Daily Walk in a new reality. This change process is allowing the former self to be cast off and the new person to be reborn, so to speak. Seems to be even more of the message about how we are dying every day while we are alive. Change and renewal. This is Living the Moment. This is living deliberately. But there might be some pain and discomfort and depression associated with the mourning of the old self we shed and leave behind. And there may be some self-doubt and anxiety about the new person we are becoming. I suppose it is a type of fear. This is humanity.

This next model points towards some essential elements of the renewal process as we move away from grief.  In past times, I have asked the question "What changes first...Attitude or Behavior?"  I think the answer is they can both change at the same time. As individuals we have to manage our mental thoughts and attitudes and practice those behaviors that help us get to where we want to go. It becomes a self-discipline to do so.

Internet Fair Use - The Renewal Phases of Grief

I like this model for its emphasis on old and new attitudes. Change Denial to Acknowledgement. Change Bargaining and Doubt to Acceptance. Of the way things are in the period of loss or the way things can become in the future. Add the positive feelings of Forgiveness and Gratitude. Not just related to others but to ourselves as well. Cull negative thoughts that hold us back or drag us down. Affirm the new state, the new path, the new destination as it is uncovered. Affirm the new Self.

But it's a roller coaster ride as we transition through our grief and become a new person with a new reality. The events around us, as they unfold, affect our feelings and emotions. We have our up days and our down days.

Internet Fair Use - Phases of Grief Transition

The emphasis on this grief model is Exploring, Testing, and Transformation to build a reconstruction and recovery. I also like the anecdotes in this model where partial recovery is about letting go and releasing some issues and baggage along the way. It's about willfully forgetting some things and moving on. Also, Don't Ever Quit. There is a path to our Becoming. Only we are on it. Only we know it or can know it.  Never Give Up. Even though some days it may not be easy.

There may be factors about our grief that are different for you and I, as listed in the table below. These factors affect the depth of our grief and the nature of our recovery and reconstruction based on, to use my words, the level of Connectedness we have had with the object of our grief and loss. It is also about the level of our Connectedness to ourselves and the level of Connectedness to those around us that remain after the loss.

Internet Fair Use - Connectedness Factors Affecting the Depth of Grief

So part of the grief process is about remaining true to ourselves. And to who we are. And to who we are to become. I have used the terminology before but we should attempt to use our knowledge and experience of the loss as a potential Source and avoid allowing it to become a potential Drain. Our grief experience can become a Drain on our personal energy reserve. Or it can become a Source of our energy reserve to focus our Life Force in a new direction.

On the roller coaster of grief, there are negative and positive activities to which we can focus.

Internet Fair Use - The Roller Coaster of Grief

There are negative Drains that can bring us down and lengthen our recovery and reconstruction. We need to Decide in the moment to stop those negative emotions and thoughts. And then focus our Life Force on the positive Sources that get us back up the Wellness and Wholeness curve:

• Deciding on the right things
• Searching for the new
• Focused exploration
• Informed choices
• Focused study
• Problem solving
• Refining our purpose
• Finding new structures and paradigms
• Building hopes and dreams
• Increasing our internal commitment
• Testing
• Reattaching
• Getting excited and enjoying our satisfactions, our joys, and making our peace once again

I am not an expert in this stuff. I think the biggest limitation I see in these models is that the negative part of the grief process is about feelings. And it is being suggested that we replace those negatives with attitudes and behaviors and action plans. It just may not be that easily said and done.  Just thinking on things for my path forward.

Stuck: On Pause

I want to write but cannot. I want to paint but have not. I want to live deliberately but cannot. These are the doldrums. No wind. No movement ruffling underneath the sails. Quiet. Remote. Still waters. Heavy, oppressive air. Five days of rainy, gloomy weather last week contributed thus to the sense of inactivity and lack of achievement. This too shall pass. This feeling must become momentary for this early morning at the beginning of the week.

 Internet Fair Use - The Doldrums at the Horizon

Gustave Dore characterized the feeling well in the shipboard doldrums below:

Internet Fair Use - The Doldrums on Board Ship

Coleridge wrote:

"Day after day

Day after day

We stuck, nor breath nor motion

As idle as a painted ship

Upon a painted ocean."

I kept at Duty last week doing the things I must do at this juncture in my life's Journey. This also is part of the activity at the equator. Where the interconnected northern and southern winds and currents lay idle. Passing from one hemisphere of activity to the next. I continue to feel Grief. Amidst thoughts of loved ones lost.

Internet Fair Use - Grief 01

After business hours, I search the web for inspiration. Images. Text. People. Energy. But I can summarize when I say that, for me, the web is not the place to center oneself.  I find and discover this again and again. I am dismayed at the trite phrases and quotes that are promulgated about the meaning of life, happiness, and motivation. Philosophies, of course, differ. I think many of the expositions are truisms. There is some truth in there somewhere. But overall, it is all so trite and empty. At least for me in this moment.

I have also reviewed many of the old websites I have collated over the past few years. I remember a few years ago that I hadn't even reviewed any blogs or websites. It was a rarity for me. I think the common themes for most of them upon recent review was that I admired each of the web sites and bloggers for

• Doing what they love to do
• Finding their passion and making it happen
• Discovering and uncovering meaning in their lives
• Branding themselves
• Expressing themselves
• Being themselves
• Energy, enthusiasm, ingenuity, innovation, dedication, persistence
• Producing, not consuming

Many have stopped publishing since the 2011-2013 time frame. Some of them don't even say why. They just stopped. Some of the most creative and entertaining folks which is surprising to me. Many sites don't hold the pizazz and inspiration I must have seen in my first impression. So the links are being deleted one by one. I have the sense that life moved on for these folks. There was a time to share and a need to share. Something changed.

Internet Fair Use - Life is a Roller Coaster

So, for today, for this early morning, I am feeling just Stuck On Pause. The proper response to that dilemma...

 Internet Fair Use - Forget and Move On

...is to start walking...one step at a time. Change. The Daily Walk. Time to start the day and the week.

The Bittering: The Origins of the Artistic Endeavor and The Creative Pursuit: The Origins

In the saga of Adam and Eve, the Judgment upon all of us was that Man should die. This is a bitter end with a bitter taste. There is nothing sweet about Death. About the only time we honor Death as a Noble Cause amongst the people is when the soldier or policeman or fireman gives their life in the duty and service to others. This is part of the Noble Cause.

And the Judgment also in Life is that Man should live by his Labor in tilling the earth through the sweat of his brow to eat the fruit of the earth for daily sustainment. We must therefore eat to live and, in most cases across world history, mankind has had to live to eat. And the Judgment also assesses that Woman should endure the Pain of childbirth. The fruit of our loins, so to say, does renew us in the sense of sustaining new life from generation to generation. There is new birth and new life. And there is great joy in the conjunction of the loins, so to say. But there is physical pain for the woman associated with the begetting.

There is much activity within the endeavors of Mankind to avoid or change the Daily Labor of physical sustenance. Daily manna doesn't fall from heaven. But we have found ways to get around the labor of daily food gathering.  The gain of riches. The seeking of financial independence. The competition amongst jobs and careers and investments to gain a better salary and income and return on investment. Speculation. Better agricultural practices. The buying and selling of foodstuffs. Building bigger grain bins. Government subsidies of commodities to impact prices. Preserving the food harvest for another day. Additives, preservatives, genetic manipulation of food to increase shelf life, etc. etc.  But we still have to eat to live.

There is much activity within the endeavors of mankind to avoid or change the Pain associated with childbirth. Contraception. Cesarean section. Epidurals. Anesthetics. Surrogate mothers. Choosing not to have a family. But the human family continues to create progeny.

Fortunately, we also have a blessing of Forgetfulness. Generally, we can recover from the Fatigue of labor and from the Pain of childbirth. We don't completely forget in our fleshly humanity because we have our memories of our experiences but the actual pain and discomfort lived in the moment is not enduring. We are fortunate to have Rest from our labor and Recovery from our discomforts. We eat, drink, and are merry. There is an underlying blessing in each of these judgments of Fatigue and Pain during our lifetime, the Satisfaction in our achievements and the Joy of Children. But because of our Mortality, we take nothing with us out of this world, neither family, nor belongings, nor the fruits of our labors.

Entropy. Matter and Energy. The degradation of all things to a lower matter and energy state over time. Corruption. Decomposition. Diffusion. Nothing lost. Nothing gained. It's not to say that the Human Endeavor is not a Work In Progress. I can see what you see when we look around. We fight against the downhill ride every day. We endure our Trials and Tribulations. Although some of us are better at it then others, a Positive Outlook puts a spin on the Human Drama. The elevation and celebration of Human Potential and Achievement is touted. Look what we can do. We each have our Unique Potential. The world has it's Favorites in it's Media Heroes. In politics, business, sports, entertainment, the arts, relationships, nationalistic enterprises, and daily news. It's the Trumpet of Hope and Optimism. Look at us!

Our individual and combined humanitarian labors across the Human Endeavor are not entirely in vain in the battles against Ignorance, Disease, Disability, Divorce, Disillusionment, Disrespect, Poverty, Tyranny, Violence, Oppression, and Death. All the Evil Stuff. We seek to improve and innovate Knowledge, Science, Technology, Medicine, Government, Service to Others, and the Arts. To achieve the generally desired outcomes of equitable and shared Employment, Education, Health, Welfare, Respect for Diversity, Peace, Beauty, and Quality of Life. All the Good Stuff.

And to make the most of our fragile moments of remaining Life itself. This is the Struggle.

To Return...to what was there before the Fall.
To Rest...from our arduous Labors.
To Recover....from our Fatigues and our Pains.
To Revisit...our memories and our visions....where we have come from and where we are going, and where we want to go.
To Resuscitate...to breath life and energy into the Sources and Drains, the daily ups and downs, of the process of living and dying.
To Rehabituate...to become familiar with, accustomed to, and acclimate to the Struggle even again.
To Recapture..the Original State. Again.
And again in Portrait. Positions. Postures. Portrayals. And even Porn.
And again in Landscape. Waterscape. Cloudscape. Treescape. Mountainscape. To Escape.
And again in Still Life. Our stuff. That we make, and we have, and that we can't take with us.
And again in Abstracts. To explore the made-up realities within our heads that don't conform to the visible natural world outside.

This is the Artistic Endeavor and the Creative Pursuit within the Human Endeavor. To focus one's Life Force and Energy to recapture what was there before the Fall. And there seems to be a drive to pour our Impressions from our own individual Methods into an Expression. To do it our way. To tell our story. To be a god. To be as God. Creating. Something of Value. The essence of Life. And of Lasting Things. But it is not creating something out of nothing. That's a mockery. It is only creating from what is already around us.

To capture Innocence, Purity, Honor, Truth, Beauty, Well-being, Time, and Eternal Life.  Probably lots of other good stuff. To pass it forward. To give back. The Work-Around. The Noble Cause. The Artistic Endeavor. The Creative Pursuit. To chase the Old...what is already known. To chase the New...what is not yet known. The Original Idea.

So we each take a Trip in the long Fall. We conduct our Daily Walk along the Journey. Each in our own way, we Recover and Recapture. We seek a Redemption. This is Life.

Amazing Grace: Assurance of the Plan in Times of Change, Uncertainty, and Transition

8 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)

Woke up early this Sunday morning.  Mindful of this verse immediately upon waking. My Uncle Jim's favorite verse. Always and frequently quoted during times of uncertainty, change, and transition. Not some things but all things.

 Copyright James E. Martin 2005 James P. Rines Jr.

James P. Rines Jr. declared the whole counsel of God that the sheep might hear His voice. It's been nine years since his passing. He was sent to me. And I was most fortunate to have him in my life.

And from Romans 10:14-15:

14 How shall they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how shall they believe in him of whom they have not heard? And how shall they hear without a preacher?
15 And how shall they preach, except they be sent? As it is written, How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace, and bring glad tidings of good things!

Copyright James E. Martin 2005 James P. Rines Jr. 1930-2005

Coming up on the anniversary September 28. I was fortunate to be there with him in 2005. There was a lot of change, uncertainty, and transition from September to December 2005 after his passing. I made a lot of personal and professional schedule changes to work through the uncertainties and conflicting commitments during that time. It took a lot of mental toughness and extra effort.

Jim's wife, Elaine, had gone missing on her 77th birthday a few months before Jim died. He died without knowing what happened to her. We did not find her until the following Spring 2006 when some raccoon hunter's dogs treed a raccoon on the remote and secluded edge of the city of Statesville, N.C.  Elaine's bones were at the base of the tree, on the surface, with her keys and remnants of her clothes scattered about that matched her description on the day of her disappearance. With a proper forensic investigation by the authorities, there was apparently no evidence of foul play and we were assured through DNA evidence that it was her. I visited the site afterwards with the investigator.

I believe she had been to that place of rest and respite before. She was a Carolina mountain girl. Loved the natural settings. Disliked the progress of civilization and urban sprawl. This location was away from buildings, and traffic, and the sounds of the city. But within a healthy walking distance from her home. She disliked modern medicine and health methods. Practiced natural, organic, herbal healing methods as an Appalachian woman. If she had intended to go to a natural, forested, peaceful place to die, which she plausibly could have been thinking within her value system, this would have been an appropriate setting. According to my Uncle Jim, she and he had had recent dialog's together recalling their lives and experiences together. Perhaps a mutual reminiscing of the ups and downs of a long married life. Perhaps an unloading of burdens. Perhaps some final, confessional, departing words. Perhaps a departure formulating in her mind to her but not fully disclosed to him. It is hard to say by those of us who remain behind.

Elaine was an artist. When I mowed their lawn and inspected their flower beds, there were white, goose-egg-sized rocks in her yard that matched the nearby stream bed and were scattered amongst the leaf litter on the nearby hillside of her discovered resting place. There were two fallen logs where she could sit to listen to the gurgling stream, the chattering birds, and the rustle of the wind in the leaves. There was a tree canopy above to create a cool, scattered sunlight on the clearings and ferns below. There was a black, plastic landscape bucket with spaghum moss not natural to the area. Suitable when dry to carry about and, when wet, to retain spongy water-filled sustenance while collecting forest specimens to bring home to plant in her gardens. Easier to draw and paint the specimens when they are close.  Easier to enjoy. As she was always wont to do. It may very well have been a favorite forest garden respite for her beside the still waters of a stream. I partly believe she may have gone deliberately to that place in the forest that day. She always had her black poodle doggy, Harper Angus McGregor, or Yippy, with her. Partially blinded, partially deaf, and the smartest dog I had seen to date when I took responsibility for him at my Uncle Jim's death. That day of her disappearance though, she left him behind at the house leashed up.  An unusual practice.

There are still some uncertainties and questions about her last day. Mostly about one important factoid of evidence. For instance, she worked on a cash basis and carried cash with her.  Her purse was never recovered. The one remaining fact to be ascertained. If I knew that the raccoon hunters recovered the handbag and purse but just didn't report it, then that would add to the credence of the assertion that no foul play occurred on the day of her demise. But if they truly never took the purse, then it's plausible that someone else did. Perhaps after her demise and then never mentioning it because of the scene and the money. No one would ever know if one just took the purse and left.

Or perhaps some one took it the day she died. On Social Security check day. The day she walked to her Secret Garden. The day she walked past a somewhat rough part of town to get there. The day of her demise. Maybe someone knows more. All these things and more are really another epic story.

I was so fortunate that my Mom was there to assist and to counsel with me in the ensuing months of Jim's and Elaine's passing and to have wonderful conversations with her about all sorts of things during Mom's remaining years.  My Mom was Jim's little sister. Mom was Elaine's roommate in bible college. My Mom passed away in June of this year. These are my people. Some of the nearest and dearest to my heart. The most influential in my life's work and meaning.

So as I have been traversing the valley of the shadow of death these past years....

Internet Fair Use - Psalm 23

I don't really recall grieving my people. There was so much to do along the way. I have been about Duty these past years. There was my family, my children, and my employers, my employment, and unemployment. I have been working through Discomfort and Disability to understand the underlying causes. The unforeseen infirmities invoked lapses of capability that the doctors, nurses, nutritionists, wellness officers, and health advisers were not able to diagnose or remedy with their advice. I had to get that figured out on my own. Perhaps, I now understand the causes and the fixes. I have had thirty days of relative pain-free walking. I have returned to working some projects around the house. It has been an arduous mental and physical journey. A battle within the Inner Realm. The Daily Walk. For nine years.

I think it's time to grieve. And remember. And record. And consider how these things have shaped my Path over the last several years and how they should, can, or will shape my Path forward. And then continue on the Daily Walk. Living the Moment. On the Endeavor. On the Pursuit. With Chiascaro effects. And with Duty. And on all the Projects assigned to me by Executive Sponsors. On the Journey. In a strange land.

All things work together for good....

The Solar Flares of Employment and Disruption: Change and a Day of Reckoning

Work. Employment. A human energy Source and a human energy Drain. Part of the flow. There are daily ups and downs. I have always said "there are no good jobs". Hahaha. It's a truism. That just means there is a kernel of truth in the assertion somewhere. I am a Journeyman in a strange land. Probably the more true. When we are not interconnected, then we come to know it. This is what it feels like to be a vagabond, a hobo, a panhandler, and a vagrant. The single life. On the outside, as an observer, looking in. Traveling. Apart. This is the human drama. Part of the Journey. This is today.

There is a time and a place for everything under the sun. Change is enduring.  This is not my sandbox.

This is the Game of Survivor on the island. It's real. One can always get voted off the island. It's a game. The rules are there and can be changed. It affects the group dynamics. Just pieces on the board as they are interplayed.

There is no Supply and Demand when the transactions of exchange stop. The joy is gone. The adventure is over. Like the roller coaster slowing to a stop at the end of the ride. The end is near, I think. It's been two years. Tomorrow is Friday.

Could be the massive sunspot activity. Or the comets. Meteorites. Alignment of the planets.

Internet Fair Use - Recent Sunspot Activity

Internet Fair Use - Equatorial Solar Flares

No. On further thought.

I think it's more that I have chosen to be me. To retain the me in me. To hold that value. To invest that value. Perhaps elsewhere. The current return on investment is low. This is the Metamorphosis. Moving to a new vehicle. I think I am looking at it and seeing it for what it is. This is the Medium of Exchange. This is the Buying and Selling. This is the Purchase and Sale of Value.

I am reminded from one person today, I shall call him the Ardent Warbler, who has said something that makes me think of what a past mentor, I shall call him the High-Placed Silent Discloser, has said to me in an earlier time. "He who has the gold makes the rules". I did not return to and ended my mentoring relationship with High-Placed Silent Discloser with that advice. Not because he was wrong in the assertion. It's a truism and I agreed with him so at the time. But I ended the mentoring relationship because the context conclusion he was asserting was that our Ethical Conduct is relative to who is in charge and who we report to. "Follow the Leader" was the simple advice. Conform. But supervisors and managers change. And they each have their own self-interest and self-service that frequently may conflict with the company's interests. I suppose we all do to some extent. And if we follow the leader then our ethics and values change with the leader. We would then give self-control and self-discipline over to another. And an organization as an organism always takes on the personality and temperment and values of its leadership. Always. And I was seeking Ethics at the time from High-Placed Silent Discloser. He was duplicitous and he denied self in his role at that moment of assertion. My eyes were opened to his seeming self-preservation and selfishness in that moment. He did not serve his organization or his leadership well that day. But the paradox is that perhaps he exactly served his organization that day with his expressed value. He was the voice of the organization. It's just that I didn't share that value in that moment. That value assertion has been the organization's undoing as I have watched over time. But it takes longer for the mighty to fall.

Ardent Warbler today has suggested that there are three roles with power and influence to align to and partner with: The One who has the gold, the One who has subject matter expertise, and the One who builds software...they have the power to make the rules and rule the world.  Heheheheh.

So I realize I am using the mental precepts of Us and Them. Me and Thee. There are two sides. Although there is one team, I may well be on the outside at this time. And only now coming to realize it. Heavy is the head that wears the crown. There is a limit to my flexibility and resiliency. I have been pushed too far. And I know it. Today, I have set the limit. I recognize they get to choose in their own sandbox. I also must reconnoiter and negotiate fairly to not be in the sandbox. I get a choice also. It's just Business. But I should give them the courtesy of a heads-up as I work my transition.

I am mindful of the first verse in Psalm 121 and look up the remainder.

1 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.

2 My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth. 

3 He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. 

4 Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. 

5 The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand. 

6 The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. 

7 The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul. 

8 The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even forevermore.

This also then is a day of Grief. This also is Living the Moment. And Living in the Moment. Please set a hedge about me in the coming storm.  There is a sure foundation, not shifting sands, to stand upon. Amidst the solar flares of energy disruption. Amidst the flow in Sources and Drains.

Grief: Other Positions and Postures

I have sketched an outline and numerous component ideas for "A Friend's Dream", a potential magnum opus of a painting. But there is much work to be done to work out the details. Along the way, it seems appropriate to sketch and paint some components of the Original Idea to characterize some alternatives.

There is a main character in the painting whose primary feeling seems to be Grief as the realization of apparent, oncoming, overwhelming, potential, risky change is faced. There is an overall depiction of Isolation and Aloneness in the beginning moment. It is the Individual outside of and against a Cacophony and Interconnected Togetherness of the social world. It is the individual trying to engage the others but experiencing difficulty of Access and Acceptance. It's a puzzle. Other associated feelings are probably Anguish, Despair, and Confusion.

But the main character is on a Journey to work through the Grief process towards a Resolution of some sort in the future. I don't have much time in the day but I am working towards at least a little something each day. I keep the sketchbook with me. I research online for ideas and images and historical context. I maintain the search for completion and unity in the back of my mind throughout the day. It is a struggle to develop. I inch forward. Thesis. Antithesis. Synthesis. I hope to set aside some time in the near term to paint and elaborate on these sketches of the last few days. This is the Daily Walk.

 Copyright James E. Martin Grief 03

Copyright James E. Martin Grief 04

Copyright James E. Martin Grief 05

Copyright James E. Martin Grief 06